Idol Top 12 Guys Recap: All They Wanna Do Is Zooma Zoom Zoom Zoom

No disrespect to the incomparable Ryan Seacrest, but perhaps for one week only,American Idol should’ve replaced him with an auctioneer?

Tonight’s one-hour telecast — which featured Season 14’s Top 12 guys performing for only eight available slots next Wednesday — was paced so frenetically it made Usain Bolt look like a three-legged tortoise.

Actually, it might’ve been better had Auntie Trish (AKA exec producer Trish Kinane —  simply cut the fat from the telecast — and no, I’m not referring to 15-year-old Daniel Seavey, despite the PTS-Ewww I felt after hearing him sing the line “Scooch a little closer dear, I’ll nibble your ear.”

With so much to pack in to such a limited amount of airtime, why not eliminate the judges’ critiques? I mean, J.Lo, Harry and Keith’s comments were so rushed — and so boiled-down in this pre-taped environment — that they actually proved less helpful than the Aussie judges’ mid-performance hair flips or Jenny From the Block’s “mmm-hmm” face.

Ah well… what do I know? I just sit here in my Old Navy sweats — they’re new, and they’re spectacular(ly comfortable), in case you were wondering — and make snarky Twitter comments. Professionally speaking, I am one-step above that dude in his mother’s basement who types in PERMANENT CAPS LOCK and ruins every comments section on the Internet. GAH!

Instead of succumbing to such a terrible fate, let me weigh in now with letter grades for each of the night’s performances — along with a succinct five-word opinion — but bear in mind I’ll try to be back after I post my Empirerecap to update this URL with more detailed performance reviews.

Adam Ezegelian – Twisted Sister’s “I Wanna Rock” — Grade: C+ | Tuesday-night karaoke. Compliment? Insult?
Michael Simeon – Michael Bolton’s “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” — Grade: C | On bended knee, offering cheese.
Savion Wright – Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister” — Grade: B+ | Sung beautifully; Will Jazzfest-iness = votes?
Mark Andrew – The Band’s “The Weight” — Grade: B- | Will forget this by midnight.
Trevor Douglas – Gavin DeGraw’s “Best I Ever Had” — Grade: D+ | Voice crumbled like tragic feta.
Clark Beckham – Percy Sledge’s “When a Man Loves a Woman” — Grade: B+ |Soulful, sexy. Glory note sketchy?
Rayvon Owen – Nick Jonas’ “Jealous” — Grade: A- | TONE! J.Lo had point re. attitude.
Daniel Seavey – Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” — Grade: C- | Vocally inconsistent, lyrically inappropriate. Blerg.
Riley Bria – Eric Church’s “Homeboy” — Grade: C | Brutal pitch problems went unmentioned.
Quentin Alexander – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ “I Put a Spell on You” — Grade: A |Hauntingly original and deeply felt. #spellbound
Nick Fradiani – Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” — Grade: A | Adults understand lyrics. SO! GOOD!
Qaasim Middleton – Mark Ronson & Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk” — Grade: B+ |Super entertaining — despite iffy notes.

Should Go Home: Trevor, Michael, Daniel, Riley
Will Go Home: Trevor, Michael, Adam and (because life is cruel) Rayvon